MnGCA

[Lyverbird]

I don't usually post jokes to boards, but every once in a while I find a rule breaker. This one is for Towlebooth.

I do recommend removing liquids from computer area, before continuing.

>
> What follows is a superb example of British humour in A LETTER THAT WAS
>
> TRULY WRITTEN AND SENT. The piece suggests two things:
>
>
>
> 1) South Africans are not the only ones who get poor service from their
>
> companies. (NTL is a cable operator in Britain).
>
>
>
> 2) The Brits probably write the world's best letters of complaint.
>
>
>
> Dear Cretins:
>
>
>
> I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
>
> four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm
>
> monitoring. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy
of
>
> service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as
>
> ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to
>
> provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional
>
> prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties or more likely (I
>
> suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you
>
> while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the
>
> bog in your office.
>
>
>
> My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
>
> spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
>
> technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes
>
> listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
>
> Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW?
>
>
>
> I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes:
an
>
> activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The
>
> rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although
the
>
> technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a
>
> drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
>
>
>
> Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone
>
> calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it
>
> and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is
>
> roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through
>
> Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone
>
> onnection.
>
>
>
> I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been
>
> unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are,
>
> it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that
a
>
> telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will
be
>
> transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
>
> available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone
>
> (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your
>
> office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been
>
> redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.
>
>
>
> And several other variations on this theme.
>
>
>
> Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
>
> thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
>
> those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
>
> care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in
>
> print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
>
> therefore, if I continue. I thought British Telecom was shit; that they
had
>
> attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no
>
> one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more
>
> obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose
>
> NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I
>
> therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and
>
> disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are
>
> sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest
order.
>
> BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success
in
>
> the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
>
>
>
> Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest
to
>
> receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any
>
> potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which
>
> you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such
>
> activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will
>
> quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
>
>
>
> I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's
litter
>
> tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
>
> your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
>
> desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
>
> posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
>
> experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
>
> very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
>
>
>
> Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you
>
> irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.
>
>
>
> May you rot in Hell,
>
> Robert Stokes
>
>
>

[towlebooth]

It's not like I expected a Spanish Inquisition!

[Lyverbird]

No expects the Spanish Inquisition.



And now for something completely different!.......

[towlebooth]

Folks in my group of friends recently found out that a new girlfriend of one of the guys had never even heard of Python.

An intervention quickly ensued! We all gathered and watched Holy Grail (followed by some Wallace & Gromit but I digress). It was excruciating watching something I love and know so well and having to keep my mouth shut and not pre-empt the punchlines.

If it were my new girl I'd have an easier choice - find a new new girl! If you haven't seen Python or Star Wars you are WAY too different from me!

[Centris]

[towlebooth]

That was by far the SHORT list. Don't get me started. . .

[LanceVE]

"But I don't Like Spam!"

"The penguin on top of your television will now explode"

And now for something completely differnt....

[s4xton]

[Lyverbird]

I have the soft ware, Monty Python's complete waste of time, and Desktop Pythonizer.

Toowlebooth should understand Spike Milligan!
PBS best BBC program, Last of the Summer Wine.

Advertisment: Albertrose for sale, get your albertrose here.....

[towlebooth]

[Lyverbird]

Snap, neither had I. We have far to much in common.

But now youngest daughter, (12 in 3 weeks) has just run, found the disk, and is going to force me, to get off the net so she can install it. (She is home from school for allergy testing.) I think I'm losing. Bye.

p.s. mom's p.c. will now explode in 5...4...3...2...1.....